Posts tagged pain

Over the course of growing up I was probably asked over a hundred times what kind of person I am. Am I giver, or a taker, a liar or a faker. I’ve been given a thousand comparisons to choose from. Black and white reminders of categories that no real person could ever fit in. I was told from day one that I had to fit into categories. I had to be… something. I had to be able to explain exactly what kind of person I was in order to decide what kind of person I wanted to someday be. Today I finally realized who I was. And to be quite honest, it has nothing to do with the bullshit cookie cutter places they wanted to shove me into. I am a very unique person, one that has intrinsic value that is lost on most people. Those are the ones that vanish from my life without many second thoughts. They move on before they realize what I have to offer them. I don’t really blame them, I’m just realizing exactly what it is that I possess, what kind of value I hold to this amazingly fucked up world. So what is it you might ask? What is it that I have to give to you? The answer is a piece of me.

I’ve skirted around this idea that I started as a whole person, and that I’ve lost pieces of myself along my long journey of life. I’ve talked it to death in previous journals, but I never really gave it any depth. I never really structured the idea in the sense that I intend to now. Before I get too deep into this I want to issue a small disclaimer. I do not intend this to increase my social, or even intrinsic value to the world. I am not spewing these mostly useless words to prove to you that you should be in my life, or that somehow I am worth more than you. I just made a profound realization in my life, and its brought me to a place of finality somehow. It has brought me to a place where I can be me, I can be comfortable, and I can feel as if, in the long run maybe I do mean something. So here is my normal incoherent babble for you to muddle through with (dis)interest.

I am selfless to a degree that I’m not sure I can explain in words. I am the friend that will never give up on you. I am the person that will give up anything to make you feel better, even in detriment to my own well being. I am the one that will give my life for yours, and think about it a little too late and a little too little. This sounds weird even as I type it out about myself, because I’m blunt.  I tell it how it is. I call you on your bullshit. I get heated and upset a lot. My tolerance is high, but when I explode, I decimate whatever lies within reach. I’m real. So maybe this is the price you pay for the goods you receive from me. I give up a part of my soul to everyone I touch… a part of my heart. 

I will always be empty to some degree, because the pieces of myself that I long for lie within the people of my past. I give a part of myself to each person, a different part, a necessary part that makes their life a little easier to deal with. Maybe this is why I find it hard to let people in my life go because in an essence I am giving up on me. I am giving up on the parts of me that I felt I could do without. I love so deeply and so passionately that I do not see giving these pieces of myself away as anything great. I see it as necessary. A need. I love doing it.

Everyone I love (very few people) holds a piece of me that I will never get back. And I realized today that they are better for it. They have never, nor will they ever again, have a person like me in their life. I love them more than I can fathom loving myself. 

My haphazard past has led me to many places, and I could probably not trace it back if I tried. My pieces lie like breadcrumbs in the hearts of those that I have touched, and even if I sought to find each and every piece, I do not have the heart to take those pieces back. They needed those pieces, more than I did, and more than I will ever need them again. All those versions of me, they still exist out there within these people. Maybe I’m getting a little existential on you guys, but there are a thousand versions of me out there conquering the world. There are a million of me affecting the world still today, because each person with a piece of me, no doubt passes that part of me along to those they come into contact with. It’s a strange little Daniel is saving lives and hearts out there. This sounds crazy, and like I’m full of myself, but I feel good.

I feel great for the fact that I am worth something. I am the person that will someday at least try to save your life. I’ve seen what saving one life has coalesced to, what it is still blossoming into. And its eyeopening. I love that my life can save thousands just by shattering… even if it is one piece at a time. I only hope that a piece of me is climbing through these virtual pages. Learn from me, and pass it on. Maybe you too, can save a life.

Maybe emptiness doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe it’s just a reminder. A slight pang that tells me that in some small, maybe even insignificant way, I’m changing the world. My pieces make other people feel whole, and my emptiness is a reminder of that. It is a small incentive to continue living the way that I do, to continue caring with no limits.

So in conclusion, if I were to define myself, I would have to say that I am a completer. I encounter people, I pick them up and dust them off and fill a tiny hole within them that allows them to continue on by themselves. I am not a creator, nor am I a developer, I am simply a builder. I am a helping hand. I reassemble what is out of whack. And I love doing it. Maybe someday I will encounter another person like myself and finally become my own finished product. I want to fall in love deeply with a woman and show her all that I can offer her. I can offer her more than most men my age.  Security, assurance, but most of all unconditional love. Something most men do not know how to display towards someone.