Posts tagged pain

Hardest thing about going to work today was faking my smile, my ‘hello’ and appearing like I was completely okay. I’m not.  I cannot express to you how difficult it is to love your father and slowly watch him fade day after day. I remember a few months ago when my father had his second near-death stroke, holding my mom as she cried into my shoulder.  I felt so fucking useless, just like I do now. I sit on youtube and help people all the time with advice on relationships, friendships, life, religion, etc, but when it comes to my own personal life, I am fucking useless and can’t do anything to stop the pain of having to watch my dad slowly pass.  He is still alive, but his health is decreasing, and he’s not same person he was since his stroke. 

My eyes are already red from the constant crying I’ve done already tonight. As soon as I got home from work I went into my bedroom, closed the door, and just buried my head into my pillow releasing these emotions that I had to hold in all day today at work.  I wish I had the power to help those who are dying, but I don’t. I just have to endure watching as my father gets worse in worse in his health.  If you’re reading this, don’t take the people who care for you for granted.  Appreciate what you have before it is lost. 

Here I am watching an episode of The Office alone in my room feeling not only sad, but extremely lonely, but this is nothing knew.  I feel this way everynight, but some days I feel more expressive than others. I long for a woman to finally ‘accept’ me for me. I don’t someone to try to change me into their own personal image, rather see who I am and love me for me. Does that even exist anymore in our fucked up world? I’m doubting it more and more. Whoever my future girlfriend or wife is, I don’t want to change her. I want to love her, respect her, and give her the care she deserves.  Why can’t people think like this anymore? 

“One thing Winny had learned from books was that you had to be tested in life to discover who you were and what you were capable of doing.  Hopeless sissy, noble warrior, maniac— he could be anything, and he wouldn’t know until he was tested.”- Dean Koontz (77 Shadow Street)

“As you have observed, it is the nature of human beings to exploit one another ruthlessly and to ravage nature as well, again and again and again over the centuries.  No class or race or faction is innocent of that crime.”- Dean Koontz (77 Shadow Street)

“By their nature, heroes leave outsize footprints, overblown and dangerous legends, therefore, in a well-ordered and efficient world, there would be no place for them.”- Dean Koontz (77 Shadow Street)

“Fear is the engine that drives the human animal.  Humanity sees the world as a place of uncountable threats, and so the world becomes what humanity imagines it to be.”- Dean Koontz (77 Shadow Street)

The clean paper is almost menacing, waiting for me to ruin it with these misspelled words and misrepresented emotions.  I remember days where fear was not present or if it was it was only that the words would never stop, or that the pen may run out of ink or my hand would cramp before the words refused to flow.  Life is much different now.  Words are few and far between, as is inspiration.  Life is fleeting, and yet I have no words for it.  I cannot explain how it feels to question whether I want to know if my life is about to drastically be in jeopardy.  It is frustrating to try to pick out the emotions when so many are zooming around inside of my crowded head. 

They are attacking me in phases, breaking me down with each onslaught of doubt, pain, worry, regret, loss, sadness, and longing.  And we are back to the age old question:  if you could know if you were going to die, would you want to know?  Would it change your life, the way you live it?  Would knowing that soon all of this will be gone, and that you might get to fall in love, and you might even have time to make children, have a family, and to find happiness and purpose in life, but that you would have to inevitably leave it all behind change if you choose to do those things?  It’s hard to fathom, and the words fail me, fail to save me.